im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
