i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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