Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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