i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
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