why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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