Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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