There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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