My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
