Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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