dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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