Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
