Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
