Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
