Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
