drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
