shes about as inviting as chlamydia
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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