It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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