Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
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