...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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