Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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