Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
