Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
