final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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