i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
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There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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