apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
