A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
