In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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