He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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