Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
