I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
