Your dad touched me again.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
