Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
