Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
