don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
