just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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