Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
