I cannot find my penis.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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