why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Randomize
