does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
