I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
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She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
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If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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