I'm passing your future prison.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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