My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
