I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
