She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
