hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
