so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
