I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i will never coherently bang her
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
