She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
