i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
