she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
