i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
