I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
