Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
