You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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