i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
