Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
