You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
