When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
