I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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