Swine flu is the new snow day.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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