Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
