Cold hands, warm shart.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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