remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think my vagina is haunted
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
