Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
